I have always found it very difficult to get away from a fight. It feels like red, hot, rage. I don’t want to get away from a fight. If I engage in a fight, I need to finish the fight. I doesn't matter how long it takes. As I have stated before I enjoy fighting. I like the feel of it. Of course, there is the possibility to get hurt. But nothing can hurt me as much as I have been hurt in my past.
Every time I have fought with someone, really fought, it has ended in some way. It feels like failure if I lose. I have lost a few times. I have lost my consciousness. Sometimes just because someone has beat me senseless, sometimes because someone has shot me, sometimes cut me. But every time I get up. I get up and finish the fight again. I haven’t met many opponents who haven’t been startled by the fact that I have been mortally wounded and then gotten up and killed him/her.
It’s difficult to explain, this feeling. It reminds me of my past, when someone hurts me in any way. I go back to the table. But this time I get to take my revenge on the person who has hurt me. Maybe that’s why I keep fighting. I feel like I’m beating up the people responsible of my torture. I sometimes see their eyes during the fight. It makes me hit harder. It makes me want to kill. I think my team-mates know my tendency to kill. That’s why they go over the fights beforehand and make me understand, really understand, that I’m not allowed to kill anyone. But it makes me feel a bit better that I am allowed to beat people unconscious. It feels good to beat someone with your bare hands. But normally I would prefer my claymore.
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